Genie Lesson # 2
Lessen Your Desire to Please Others
Genies, in North American myth and stories, are often curious and mischievous.
Human genies often share these characteristics, but also really like approval. It is an elixir for them, and they can’t get enough. Wanting to be admired is one of their most deadly traps. People who seek approval may feel everyone must like them. Some will go to great lengths to be accepted. There is always a cost to this; sometimes the price of approval is sacrificing truth and happiness. When you give someone the power to judge your worthiness, you in effect make them into your higher power.
Another side effect of working too hard for approval and to be popular is feeling ashamed about giving up so much of one’s self. At times this includes seeking this reaction from someone a genie doesn’t even like.
This need can get even more extreme and dictate which relationships you search out. Some of my friends confess to only liking men who initially have a low opinion of them. They try to change the man’s view of them, from neutral to warm, but getting men who are indifferent to engage, rarely ends well.
A friend with this pattern had a father who mistreated her. She didn’t think a guy was worthwhile unless she had to work for his affection.
Going out of your way to please others creates a standard that involves giving as much or more each time, to keep the recipient’s interest. It is a way of buying approval, and the price is high. It isn’t possible to be liked by everyone. It is kind and loving to think of other’s needs, but abandoning your values, goals and truth turns the price of approval into a ransom.
Genie people’s love of approval can result in their own needs becoming a low priority. Genie people give up a lot, to grant other’s wishes and it is easy for resentment to build, when the genie is not being praised and appreciated, in return.
A pattern which involves conditioning a genie often originates in childhood, with a dominating or controlling parent who doesn’t allow choice or input.
Genies in training then learn that their feelings and needs come secondary to others. This teaches them that they are only visible or important when granting other’s wishes and meeting other’s needs.
Tara Bennett-Goleman, in Emotional Alchemy, pgs. 79-81, talks about people who seek approval, naming it the subjugation pattern. “They may never figure out what their wishes are. They may not know what they want, even when given a choice. They learn that giving the other person their way keeps the peace.” They tend to attract partners who dominate or sometimes allow their children to run the show.
Tara says, “Underneath the agreeable veneer resentment seethes.”
Reactions to subjugation do vary. Some people rebel and get into trouble. The children can become extreme free spirits, quick to anger at those in authority.
Some genies avoid being pinned down to any commitment due to a fear of being controlled. This can cause devastating consequences to their future stability, including education, relationships, jobs and homes.
And another strategy, says, Bennett- Goleman, “is surrender. These people often do not know their preferences and opinion. Their main focus becomes to please others. These people rarely express their anger at feeling used or controlled. They may get back at people by putting things off, missing deadlines or always being late.”
If this is your behaviour, try to figure out what your wishes and needs are and speak up. Use mindfulness to help track your reactions, the anger and the fear of being controlled.
Gary Zukav says the need to please others stems from a fear of loss. Gary writes, “It is done to gain approval, admiration, and love. It attempts to change others to make the pleaser feel better. One who pleases puts their self-worth in the hands of others and depends upon them to evaluate their merit while doing their best to influence the other’s judgment.”
Zukav agrees that those who focus on pleasing others have authority issues. “It is a covert way of pursuing power, the velvet glove in the iron fist.”
Always trying to please others is crazy making. It can get so extreme that Zukav writes “when others are unhappy, we feel unsafe. We lose authenticity and are always anxious. Our self-worth ends up in someone else’s hands and always depends on their judgment. Pleasing as a coping strategy prevents us from feeling our emotions because we are too busy feeling the emotions other people are experiencing.”
Zukav notes that “Becoming more aware of what we are doing and feeling our real emotions is the way out of this dilemma. Where is this in your body? What is the feeling, what is the thought?”
Many genie people are held back worrying about what others think about them. They care so much about what others believe that it interferes with their ability to make choices.
How is it you can still care about others, but not to the degree that binds you? So now that we know a lot about the pattern of seeking approval and some of the mischiefs it gets us into let’s further explore other characteristics of the genie type.
The greatest fear in the world is of other’s opinion. And the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart along with the roar of freedom. Osho
Lesson # 3
Don’t take on all Problems by Yourself
Certain situations are honeytraps for the kind and curious genie type. Genies can be found in every family, taking care of siblings, parents, and spouses. They are often left doing what everyone else finds hard to tolerate. Somehow genie people end up stepping in to help the old, sick, addicted or weak. They will use more of their time, money and resources to ensure their families are taken care of and all is well. This ongoing giving is a valuable service, but genie beings are often taken for granted by their loved ones and expected to fill in all the gaps.
If you are in this situation, be sure to take care of those you are responsible for but also leave good quality time for yourself. Negotiate time sharing and payment from others who are also accountable, and do not be the only one who steps in to help. Your time is as valuable as theirs.
Genie Lesson # 4
Be Wary of Garden Variety Controllers
Just as there can be genie-humans in each family, there are also controllers. Most humans impose their will on others. One can become pushy when they try to manage people or situations. This obtrusive behaviour can occur when one feels insecure, envious or assume they know better. People with a high need to control tend to be self-critical. Even though the drive to administer others often has a positive intent, like parents trying to save their child heartbreak, it ends up causing resentment.
This is the garden-variety of control most people face. It does do damage. It can be foundational conditioning that trains genie humans to give in to others. It can trap some genies in situations that eat up their time and shift the focus away from what they want, over and over again.
Learn to say, ‘no’ and mean, ‘no’ when you are disrupted from your path by those who want to control you against your will. Also, try to keep alert and stop yourself, when you try to push your agenda.
There are other grades of capture and control that are less common and more malicious and destructive.
Genie Lesson # 5
Beware of the ‘Beasts’ – Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Addicts
In stories and life, many people are drawn to Genies. Some are weak in will, others in the body. Addicts and dreamers who can’t hold jobs, and tyrants and beasts all feed on the goodness, and the generosity genies exude. In some tales, the beast falls in love with the beauty and transforms. In other stories, the tyrants who seek out genies often do it to create more wealth and hold power over others.
Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Addicts can smell genie people a mile away. To them, a Genie’s magic is little more than a way to gain dominion over people, property, and life itself. These beings crave Genie’s power and give nothing back, not even true gratitude. They do not transform, nor are they ever satisfied.
Many people have built-in radar that draws them to genie people in the hope of giving little but attaining much. This is true for Genies in myths but plays out in real life, as well.
Genies have no radar to keep themselves safe, at least not in the beginning. They are ill-fatedly drawn to those who are addicted, dream big and do little, or those who wish to control. It is genie’s first reaction to help and also to see potential in others. Genies are initially mesmerized by narcissistic types who love themselves, more than others and sociopathic or psychopathic types, who have no conscience.
These personality types are good at manipulation and initially make genies feel special and recognized, by the attention they receive from them. And it is sadly, only through capture, that genies start to develop a sense of how these beings use them and disregard them as empty shells after their ability to grant wishes is exhausted.
Addicts may be warm and fuzzy underneath, but as long as they are in a state of addiction, they will put their own needs ahead of genies and use genie’s money, generosity and goodwill. It is futile to try to rehabilitate addicts who are not ready to change or those who won’t lift a finger to manifest their wishes.
In all situations, it is crucial for genie people to develop the ability to sense when their general goodwill is being stretched and know when to leave.
It is even more critical for them to recognize the types of people who willfully entrap them and learn to stay far, far away.
There is no ill will toward any of these people, just an understanding that genies will lose the full range of their power if they get snared. Learning to spot the characteristics of initially charming sociopaths, psychopaths, addicts, and narcissists is crucial!
Stories do not begin without experience, and every genie type will be trapped at least once. This is how they learn about their power, vulnerabilities and the devastation of being imprisoned.
For certain genies, there are more societal traps than others.
Social conditioning trains genies to give to the point of being drained. Women, people in ‘helper’ or ‘server’ job positions, and those with less education or privilege may be less encouraged from the get-go, to follow their dreams.
Genie Lesson # 6
Recognize Societal Genie Traps
Gender:
Women are wired to take care of people. Our hormones and responses may make us more nurturing, as a whole. In most families, women work outside the home, for less over-all pay than their male counterparts, in the same careers. There is more housekeeping, cooking, and errands expected of women. Caring for a spouse or elderly parents is also an obligation.
Family members are more likely to assume the sisters, daughters or wives will care for their ailing parents. As children, girls are more often given the role of caretaker of siblings and the home, if parents need extra help. The stories of girls filling in the gaps and helping others with little or no compensation or choice are endless. But gender disparity doesn’t end here as women at work are often also uncompensated for many tasks.
The most subversive thing a woman can do is talk about her life as if it matters. Mona Eltahawy.
Profession:
In the office, women are often expected to do their primary job, plus make coffee, listen to gripes and clean up after meetings.
Male and female genies often choose professions which involve nurturing, such as, nurse, child care worker, rehabilitation worker, seniors aid, etc. These professions include putting others before themselves daily. This again, is a choice and people are financially compensated for their time at work, although not all helping positions pay well.
Janitors, maintenance people, restaurant servers and many others may feel they are always helping others and bending to another’s will; some of these people are genies.
Many genies are in jobs that help or serve, but genies also love to create. Genies are scattered throughout many professions, psychologists, doctors, teachers, healers, writers, performers and artists.
Genies tend to be very good at their jobs. They can accomplish tasks quickly and efficiently. Their process may be so expedient others assume what they are doing is easy. Well, it is, but only if you’re a genie!
Some of the genie’s special skills which include strategizing, organizing and creating are overlooked because genies do them in such an understated way. This can lead to them being under-compensated, as they make what they are doing look, ‘so easy.’
At work, it is also crucial for genies to develop reciprocal relationships. Having someone who sees and hears them can be a saving grace. Giving the right amount is good, but endless contributing becomes depleting and unsustainable.
It is vital for genies to seek balance outside of their workplace. They must be astute in determining and tending to their own needs, desires, and wishes, so they too receive nurturing. Genie people must also be clear about their needs and delightfully reward themselves with what is meaningful, or they risk become exhausted, irritable and burned out.
Privilege
If you are raised in a country where you receive a good education, you are off to a good start. Training is especially useful if it teaches people to think for themselves. Having your health care needs met is crucial and this is not a privilege that all share.
Being born into a family with enough money, shared reasonably is also helpful. Being male and white can also be advantageous. As we know, even within families, privilege and resources aren’t always equally distributed.
“That’s a lot to assimilate in the first few classes,” Gini explains. “Let me do a quick summary. First of all, you found your way to Lumera. I hope you were able to get down the spout easily. Then you took the quiz to determine how much of a genie you are. Then you saw where in your life you might be giving too much.”
“The better genie you are, the more you desire to please others. Be sure you give of yourself for the right reasons. Learn to develop radar, so you do not get trapped by controllers, neither the garden variety in your family nor addicts, sociopaths and narcissists,” warns Gini.
“Addicts are the most common relationship trap; genies fall into. Society has conditioned us all and some of the areas to search for traps are gender, profession, family training, resources and privilege. It is vital that you recognize your real needs and figure out how to meet them,” Gini concludes.
Right then, in flies Joey, the talking hummingbird.