Genie Lesson # 28

Untangle Your Feelings from Other’s

When people are not allowed to develop their own identity fully, it becomes challenging to untwine their feelings, from others. Enmeshment means the person’s needs may get confused with the other. When one is co-dependent, as Genies usually are, they may feel guilt when they pursue what is important to them.

Enmeshed genies take cues from outside themselves. The reaction of others defines their feelings. “They are highly aware of other’s feelings but are not grounded in their own body’s responses. If one does not understand what their body is saying to them, they can be clueless about how they really feel,” writes Tara Bennett-Goleman.

People who serve others or those who are vulnerable to other’s emotional demands get better at sensing other’s needs than their own. Their own needs and feelings are sometimes unclear.

The resulting confusion of experiencing other’s emotions and needs more prominently than one’s own may leave genies reeling, ungrounded and out of control.

Genie Lesson # 29

Develop A Distinct Sense of Self

One cannot go from being entangled with others one day to becoming totally, independent and self-knowing the next day. It is a process. It is different for each individual. Men, as a whole, in North American culture, have been raised to be more self-motivated and self-sufficient. They often need higher degrees of autonomy than women.

Women, as a whole, like more connection and do better when in good relationships and healthy family situations. Still, women also need to have a separate sense of self. They need to know they can make up their minds about what is right for them. It is essential to know where the border between self and others occurs.

Developing a sense of ‘agency’ or self, helps you to feel in control of your life. You believe in your ability to influence your thoughts, and behaviours and handle whatever comes up. A sense of agency allows you to know you are distinct from your family and can be stable and resilient in the face of change. This individuality is reinforced by having your own space and the rights to your private thoughts and opinions.  Having a defined sense of self helps you recognize your feelings, preferences and needs.

Genie Lesson # 30

Be Yourself, Even in Relationships

One of the most challenging parts of being a distinct individual and stating your needs is dealing with the fear of losing those you love. There are times when one must redefine who they are and stick with it. To pursue your dreams, you must put your wishes to the front of the line. This does not mean neglecting, abandoning or abusing others, especially those who depend on you.

It does require one to be responsible for others, as a wife, mother or daughter but also place your needs in the equation. Being a martyr in the long-run, harms self and relationships, as the bitterness resulting from unfair sacrifice will create misery.

So, taking care of who you are responsible for is essential, but so is your life path. This balance takes clarity, prioritizing and will power.

Also, relationships, (besides parenting young children), that are continually draining may need to be redefined, as one-sided giving is a bad deal. Genies have been known to foster relationships which keep others dependent and tied to them. If this is the case for you, it is brave to recognize when and where this has happened and help those you have kept too close to gain more independence.

Learning to say ‘no’ to other demands is also a handy tool. Do not be heartless in your assessment but be realistic. Preserve your energy and direct it toward what matters. Monitor to see that your own goals and wishes benefit from your output.

Stop being the one who always volunteers for everything. Take care of your needs and let other independent adults take care of themselves.

“This lesson gives us a lot to think about,” says Gini.

“Yes, it does,” tweets, Joey the hummingbird, who has flown onto Gini’s shoulder, for his daily visit, to check in.

“You’re just in time Joey. I was about to talk more about our childhood patterns,” Gini said. “Background gives us strength and roots. It is something we can be grateful for. But our upbringing also plants the seeds of distress in our lives. When you contemplate your background do you most strongly resonate with one root issue? Do you see abuse, neglect, mistrust, exclusion or abandonment, as being most familiar? Have you ever had the opportunity to create a defined sense of self? Have your boundaries been nurtured? If not, Lumera is a safe place to develop and show your individuality and sense of agency.”